Rest. Anger. Projects. Starting 2026 Off Slow.
In many ways this has given me the time to rest. I recently found out that I have a "heart" issue that will resolve in time, but the stress of back and forth to doctors is taking its toll on me. I know that I will get better and I am not worried about this. I just don't like being told to rest.
Rest.
That is easy to say to someone in theory, but in reality, having absolutely nothing to do causes more stress as things start to pile up from... you guessed it, doing nothing. It's a double-edged sword. One that makes complete rest, 100% out of the question.
Yes, I am taking it easy and doing what I can. Asking for help when I need it, and pushing off things that do not need to get done right away. That doesn't mean I am doing nothing at all, in fact, I feel like I have done more work behind the scenes. I have been hard at work doing boring computer work. It is work that I can do while lounging in my bed or reclined on my couch. It is meaningful, but it quickly becomes monotonous.
I have become so used to the hustle and bustle of my spiritual journey, and now it feels like there is nothing left or nothing that the universe is sending my way. It is like my spiritual journey has also taken a pause. That is good mentally for me, because I just kind of hit a wall and didn't feel like moving forward anymore with it. That is the reason why I stopped writing about my spiritual journey.
I feel like I gave up in many ways, there is no real desire to learn anything new or to become someone new. No healing. I would not call it a surrender, more like: let me be for a bit before I snap.
Anger Took Its Toll.
Anger hit me hard the last few months. That anger feels like it is resolving. It is an anger at myself and at the universe. An emotion that I have a right to have, but an anger that I also feel guilty about having at the same time. Guilt because I feel like I should be doing something to heal that anger. But anger is not always something to be healed with a snap of the fingers, it takes time. Months for me. I have finally realized what is making me so angry: the lack of any meaningful path or direction.
My path that I was taking suddenly made no sense. A person without direction has nothing to ground them and they get mad at themselves (and others) really quickly. It doesn't feel or even look logical, it just happens.
I still have not 100% figured out what direction I want to move in, but I have been working on projects that I put off because I didn't feel qualified to take on.
Qualified. I just laughed. What makes someone qualified at anything? Education? Experience? A piece of paper that says: License, or Degree?
The thing is: nobody is 100% qualified for anything. You can have all the training and experience in the world and still not be qualified. This is where my anger hit me hard.
I have a lot of education, training, degrees, and certifications. All of these mean nothing without direction or a path. My path shifted because I realized my beliefs didn't align with the education I was receiving. It knocked everything I wanted to be out of whack. I still know what I want, but how I get there is the problem.
Realizing that I am already qualified to complete some of my projects, reignited a fire in me. I finished a lot of what I had started and I am still working on them. I still have my doubts and that holds me back on some things.
I had started writing a cord-cutting course 4 months ago. This got sidelined by the anger. I now want to pick that back up and work on it, but I have a few more projects that are rolling around in my head with energy (as well as time and patience) to actually complete.
These projects are a great way for me to work towards finding my path again. Clean my mind and start fresh. It feels great just listing these things. I look at them and I no longer see roadblocks, I see potential and still better yet: solutions.
Solutions is what I need. The first step is to list out what I want to do and then add steps to get there. SMART Goals for the win. Each of these projects has a SMART Goal worksheet. This is what has really helped me focus in on what I can do right now. I wrote about SMART Goals in this blog here. It also has a link to download a FREE copy of the worksheet for you to use.
What Projects?
Book of Shadows. That is what I am working on right now. I have two more collections that are nearing completion. They mostly need editing and format corrections, but they are getting there. I have another 3-5 collections that need major work and I have no patience to work on them, so when these 2 are done, I will be taking a break from BOS.
Cord-Cutting Course. Sounds cool and it is. Realistically, I have about 40% of this course done... at least the writing part. My intention is to make this a bit more than just a book or workbook and to have videos that eventually go along with it. What I am having problems with in creating this course is the different learning styles and incorporating them all into this course so that anyone who uses it can learn and not struggle: which is where a lot of courses fail. Inclusion of every learner is important to me. This was a huge issue with the BOS as well, what is enough for everyone to learn, but not make the course too long?
Blog, Business, and Website Updates. This is the boring part of running a "business." It's the behind the scenes stuff that most people don't see or it's the parts that people do not care about. There are lots of little things that I pushed off for "another time" and now is the time to get these things done. Some of the things are legally required, while other things are catching mistakes or correcting code. Blogger sucks. Broken templates and inaccessible template code have created issues for me that I cannot 100% fix. I chose Blogger because it was easy to use for someone who doesn't know how to code like a pro. It was also free and customizable with little need to know how to code. Blogger being free is what allows this site to even exist, as I do not allow advertisements to be shown on the site.
I have a few more Book of Shadow style entries that I can post, but I need a bit more time to work through these. I just don't feel 100% comfortable with the information as I wrote it. It needs more refinement. I also want to write about the change in my path a bit more, but it feels too raw to write about at the moment. I just am not ready to rip that Band-Aid off just yet. I also have a bunch more herbs to add to the Herbal Grimoire. Needless to say those are more updates than actual posts. Updates is where I am at right now. There is a huge backlog of updates and they take time.
Reiki Courses. Sounds easy. This goes back to the being qualified section earlier. In Reiki, one of the foundational principles is the 5 Precepts: Just for today I will not be angry; I will not worry; I will be grateful; I will work honestly; and I will be kind. These Precepts are foundational and it is drilled into student that you NEED to live by these like they are law.
I struggle with each of them everyday. How can I teach Reiki when I struggle with these Precepts? The answer I found was in the research I was doing to write my own Reiki course. I found that Mikao Usui (founder of Reiki) wrote that it is not about strictly living by them, but acknowledging that you do not have all the answers in your life. You are not perfect. It is about self-awareness, not being perfect. It is meant to show you what you need to work on, by being gentle with yourself. That changed how I see Reiki and now I feel like can move forward with this project. Still not easy work to write.
Patreon. Since all the Book of Shadows are offered for sale through Patreon, it goes without saying that there needs to be time put into this. I chose to use Patreon because they can deliver the BOS files quickly after a sale, and do not overcharge to collect and process payments. I had a lot of trouble with Etsy and lost money. I am also working on Membership levels, which include access to Book of Shadow Collections, Reiki Sessions, as well as coaching sessions. I am looking into selling herb kits through Patreon as well. These kits will be collections of herbs that are commonly needed for spellwork. The idea is you can purchase quality herbs without needing to purchase more than you really need. In the near future, I will also be offering Tarot readings for purchase separately or as a perk of being a member.
Final Thoughts
These past few weeks feel like they have gone by so quickly. It feels like just yesterday was Yule and Christmas. Time has flown by and projects are slowly getting done. I feel great knowing that I have a plan in place to finish more projects. Having a good set of goals and no specific time crunch has really helped. I found that setting a deadline usually just lead to disappointment. I have no deadline to work against, so why set one? This was what I realized when I did my SMART Goals for these projects. Time is not always a factor with many of my goals (business/legal things aside). The pressure of a deadline imposed by myself led to the lack of desire to want to work on them in the first place. Sometimes, "When it gets done," is a valid timeline.
On a side note, I did complete many of my goals from last year. I decided to spend a whole day and just check things off the list. The cold and snowy weather may have helped me focus, but I got there in the end. Those projects were minor, but delayed because I was focusing on projects that didn't have to be completed for those to be done themselves. Procrastination also didn't help.
Starting off this year slow, well not what I planned. I was hoping for more progress, but I realize we are only two weeks into this year: why rush? For now, I am just going to kick back and relax, take things as they come and tick things off my list of growing projects.
It does feel really good to have many of the Book of Shadows done.
Until next time,
Athena Rocar