Guilt, Shame, and Jealousy: Raw Emotions Turned into Poetry

Last night, while writing a comment on a Facebook group about the them of jealousy in dreams, I shared how it can sometimes point to deeper emotions waiting to be healed. I offered a few questions for reflection and then went to sleep. My own dream surfaced guilt, shame, and jealousy. 

Today, I've been journaling on and off, facing the emotions my dream brought to life. It has been raw, but deeply healing. Out of that process came this poem, a piece I feel called to share because it gives voice to emotions that needed to be released, and in doing so, shows a glimpse of the healing journey.

Although I'm taking some time away from the blog, I wanted to share this with you. My "me time" has reminded me that the pressure we carry from others can weigh us down, until we choose to let it go. This poem is part of that process.

Guilt, Shame, and Jealousy

By Athena Rocar

Pressure.
your stare,
the weight of your judgement,
stones baring down,
crushing my chest.
Each glance,
another brick,
another wall,
that cannot be climbed.

Exposed
seen but not felt,
a photograph left to fade in time,
torn, curling at the edges.

Powerless in your gaze.
You see, but do not understand.
Wrong,
for existing too brightly,
a flame too large
for your cold, dying hands.

Too sensitive, you say,
unable to linger in my fire
without retreating into your shadows.

Unworthy,
Aches in my chest,
wildfire crawling up my spine,
while you remained ice,
untouched,
feeling nothing.

Guilty
for not being more open,
for locking my love behind walls
I didn't know existed.

All the things once possible
have turned into aches
clawing from the inside,
scratching to be seen,
to be lived.

Silently, you stare,
a predator in the grass,
too afraid to step into my world,
yet bold enough to tease,
licking your lips,
a blade hovering above my throat,
a promise of love
at the expense of my freedom.

She gets the warmth of you,
the fire inside I will never touch.
Her eyes,
glowing with possession–
“He is mine.”

Me, a shadow,
a ghost at the edge of your life,
nothing,
that dark reminder,
an ember of what could have been,
smoldering in the ashes of us.

Hunger for more,
striving to be,
yet lost in the rubble
of your absence,
tangled in barbed wire
of the barrier you built between us.

Tired, worn, broken,
hating the wanting.
Body screaming,
praying for relief
that will never come.

Pain coils through every fiber of my being,
a snake twisted around bones,
pulverizing dreams,
unsure of truth, grasping at hope.

A broken heart,
mirror shattered on the cold floor,
sobbing,
wondering what fragment of me
could have kept you here.